My love for hospitals first started at the UMass Memoral Hospital on Belmont Street in Worcester. Where I'm currently sitting.
Mom is in surgery and we're hoping for the best results. I don't remember how I old I was, or why I was even here. I think it might have been for Tay. Tay has epilepsy and his seizures are getting progressively worse and worse. There was one instance in my childhood where I remember sitting in his patient room with my mom. He started seizing out of no where. His eyes were stone-cold fixed on the ceiling, his body went rigid, and he started shaking. Convulsing. At the time they were just fine body tremors, it seemed like. Okay, "tremors" is an understatement. But compared to now, that was what they were . .
Anyway, my mom told me to call for help and stupid me did not think to press the help button. I just ran outside his room screaming help in the hallway. Thinking about it now, it's hilarious. But at the time it was not and nurses came running in and massaging his body. Eventually he calmed, and my mom did too. After that I kept making him cards because my mom told me to and maybe I was afraid that he would die. He got annoyed being forced to read them every time.
Anyway, the youngest memory of my first thought of being in the hospital was "I like it here." My second was "I like the food here, too." Absurd. Because I just had breakfast with my dad after they wheeled mom off and the eggs were horrible and fake and the patty was cold and the hash browns fell apart. What was I thinking.
What I was thinking was that this place feels really comfortable. Most people I know don't like the hospital. They fear it, get nauseous being in it, think it smells funny, whatever. But for as long as I can remember, being in the hospital brings me this sense of calm that I don't get elsewhere. It makes me feel calm inside, but productive at the same time. It makes me feel like my senses are on edge and my soul is as raw as it can get and all my human-to-human interactions are so first-handed and pure, and all-giving, and I don't get that anywhere else, really. Everything just feels more enlightening here. It's like, lamely, my inside self takes a bath when I'm finally inside.
As of late, that feeling hasn't been the same. Obnoxiously early mornings accompanied by the dread of having to perform a skill set under an instructor has really hindered my love for hospitals. Being forced to be somewhere under someone else's directive is really annoying. Not saying I only like being here to my convenience, but I like being here and being on my own. I don't like being supervised skill for skill all the time because it feels like I'm there to prove and impress more than anything and the original reason I chose nursing is temporarily nudged to the backdrop.
Really strange to say but I was excited to spend all day here today. I woke up at 5:17-AM, got ready, and packed my backpack for the entire day here. I even brought my contact case and solution to switch out for glasses.
This is going to be a great day. Fingers crossed for 12 o'clock (that's when Mom's get out of surgery, maybe I won't have to come back and edit this).